Three Things I Wish I Knew in My First Year of Marriage
My husband and I just celebrated our 7-year anniversary. As we were preparing for our holy union seven years ago, we met with an elderly priest who offered to do a rapid, two-hour relationship counseling session with us. His advice? “You own each other’s bodies now so give each other some anytime the other party wants it. Even if you’re on your ‘monthly flower.’” Ha! This certainly weighed in hubby’s favor but sure. Whatever.
Disney has also certainly done a phenomenal job of selling marriage as “riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming” and while I love my husband today more than I did seven years ago, marriage is WORK and that’s one thing I didn’t realize when I entered this partnership. I thought it maintains itself automatically. You know, just ride off into the sunset….! Well, it doesn’t. Like every relationship, and arguably even more than others, you have to make a concerted effort to manage, maintain, and enhance the connection. Essentially, this person should be getting as much effort as your 1) best friend 2) roommate 3) co-parent (if you have kids) and 4) financial partner, combined. #nostress
Here are some valuable lessons I learned during these seven years. Had we learned them earlier, maybe it would have saved us both a lot of arguments and late night conversations that lead to very sleepy and unproductive work days. Read it below and share your thoughts.
1. Learn each other's love language early on
Early on, I couldn’t understand why my husband would not do chores we had previously discussed. I would be quite livid when another garbage day passed and the trash bin was filled to its capacity already, unable to handle another week’s worth of garbage. “Dude! The squirrels will come and demolish this. Mice will be next. Taking the trash out is not that difficult. I did my half, you can’t simply take a bin out?” I’d bark at him as soon as he walked in the door. My husband, a very laid-back guy, would stare blankly at me and calmly say something along the lines of: “I got home late from work the night before trash day. I’ll take it out next week, what’s the big deal?”
It would drive me absolutely nuts. Then, I’d be a frigid bitch the rest of the evening, which would lead him to tune me out and we’d do a song and dance along these lines for a minimum of 24-to-48-hours. A whole ass day where I’d have to maintain angry status, and he’d pretend I didn’t exist.
Sometime in year 2 or 3, we took the 5 Love Languages test. Corny, maybe. Vital? Yes. As soon as we learned that Acts of Service ranked highly on mine and that Quality Time on his, we adjusted course. He set a phone alarm labeled “Trash day!” and began to follow through, and I learned to put the cell phone (and his dreaded Instagram) down during any conversations with him. Voila! Less arguments, more sleep. #winwin.
2. Don’t Forget to Make Time for the Relationship
Sometime in year 1 of marriage, we had a baby. Then, in year 2, we had another. With the babies + the exhausting jobs + the friends we were neglecting and desperately trying to keep up with + the aging parents we wanted to spend more time with, we realized that us time fell on the back-burner. Shortly after, we noticed a weird phenomenon: most of our bickering would crop up after a prolonged amount of time where we didn’t connect and create time for the two of us. After a few years of this, we learned to nurture and make time for the relationship.
Weekly date nights (or mornings) are absolutely critical in our house. This doesn’t have to be fancy either: it could be a candlelit dinner at home after the kiddos go to bed, or a quick coffee date in the morning after school drop-off and before work. The most important thing is that we turn our phones off (ahem, looking at myself), focus on each other, and try to keep the conversation about work and responsibilities to a minimum (unless it’s lighthearted, funny, or entertaining).
To ensure we don’t miss the important tasks –such as renewing that life insurance policy, or paying the overdue bill, or calling our dentist– we have regularly scheduled meetings where romance is nonexistent and we just check off a to-do list.
It’s all about balance, man.
3. Accept that equity in marriage doesn’t always mean a 50:50 split of everything
After wistfully observing long-lasting marriages that seem to have mutual respect and joy as their pillars, I have noticed one consistent thing: through the years, the responsibilities between the pair have ebbed and flowed. While both individuals feel valued, equity in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a 50:50 split of everything. “I did the dishes after lunch, it’s your turn to do them after dinner even though you have a late-night work call” is not a sentiment that breeds love. It’s annoying for both people involved. Like every relationship, there are times when one individual is going to be picking up most of the slack because the other is going through a slump or stressful time. There will be times when one partner earns all the income and times when one partner does the dishes repeatedly. The concept of 50:50 is a sham, and oftentimes, expectations of it lead to resentment. The important thing is that both partners are humble enough to pick up the slack when the other person can’t. It’s nice to have a friend, partner, and lover who understands what you’re going through and shares the responsibilities of life with you 100:100.
Married folks: does this resonate? Email back or hit me up on our Instagram account: @blackexpatfamily and share your thoughts!